***
Hey. I
don’t know what I’ve been doing here, what will I do but… Oh you must be
wondering who am I. Just call me a narrator. It’s late at night and a girl
found herself sits in front of her laptop writing this kind of… poem? or letter? She doesn’t know exactly
what she’s writing. But she knows exactly who she’s writing for.
And
here’s what she says:
Hey you.
Yeah, YOU.
Maybe you're reading this now
Or maybe not
Maybe you found this blog link somewhere maybe on my twitterland,
and you're reading this now
Or maybe not
Or maybe you remember me so you go to my blog and found
this, and you're reading this now
But no, I think you're not
Cuz I know you won't remember me
Or I just don't know if you do
But if you're reading...
You better read it carefully cuz I mean every words in it.
Oh, bad.
She’s crying tears right now. She doesn’t feel like talking, and she lets me
tell you the story.
Well I
knew her for a long time. Just by reading that prologue above, I know what’s
her point.
It’s
talking about the guy. A best guy that’s ever been hers, she said. Maybe not
anymore.
As her
bestfriend, I’m gonna make this straight.
And
here’s how it goes.
These are
things that you won't hear from her --cuz you never asked—I know and I bet you
know that she’s not a kind of introvert person so she can tell whatever she wants, but she considers what is
necessary and what is not. So if you’ve ever asked her things bout this, she
probably has told you. But you never did anyway~ sooo.... lemme get this
straight.
***
That day
was the saddest day of her life.
You
ignored her. She’s been missing you all this time and when time meets you guys
together all you do were nothing. You didn't look care. She called your name but you just looked at her and
that's it. You look happy with your friends. She was with her friends too, with
me. So I saw what happened that day. All of it. Maybe She looked happy but I
think she’s not. She even told me to call you there, but remember what you
said?
Well, she
doesn't want to remember that.
That was
the most painful words she’s ever heard from you. You seemed pissed off. Seems
like you didn't wished for her existence. Your eyes were telling her to
leave --- “Say me I'm exaggerating but that's what I really felt.”--- She
interrupts me.
And then you left, you're just sayin something like "I'm goin
home" and I think I was saying something like “How’s with her?” but I
don’t remember what you’re sayin, and oh she says sorry that she didn't answer
you. Her head is just full of things. She’s pissed off because of you. So she
just nodded and let you go and she didn't even look at your back, she didn't
want to watch you leave. That night I took her home and in the car she kept wondering
what’s actually happening. It was the last time she met you, before you guys split
up. Hmm quite sad. I didn’t know what should I say, you are not a person that I
used to know. You used to be kind, and such a good friend. And I remember those times when you were
dying to get her. You loved her so much though it hurted you when she didn’t
like you at first. But she was impressed with your effort, your sincerity and
soon she started to like you. She didn’t care bout your flaws, or hers, because
she knew that you two will make it right as long as you went together. That’s
all I knew after being friend with you guys for years.
The day
you guys broke up was the most worrying day ever for her. She was worried about
herself "Will I get thru this? Am I gonna be okay? Is HE gonna be okay?
Will I hurt his feelings?" she said. Oh my God at times like this she’s
still worryin bout your feelings, though I knew you're gonna be okay. You used
to live without her, you used to ignore
her. Ignore her messages. (I remember all those times she comes to me with
frowny face and said something like “he doesn’t reply me” or “he doesn’t
contact me”) You seemed happy with your new life without her.
But she
looked up and she knew that she’s gonna be okay. I knew she’s gonna be okay.
***
And I was
right. She’s okay. She’s sooo okay. At least for the first time. She’s having
fun wih her friends and her business. But when she’s alone, she remembers you. A
lot. Now I understand why she hates weekend more than school. She’s always
happy when Monday comes, like no other people. (I don’t understand this because
omg I hate Mondays so much) and she said, because in weekend she has nothin to
do and your face is always bubbling up on her mind. (I remember At times like
this she always greet me on chat and say something like “I’m so sad” “Wow the
sky is so sad it’s crying a heavy rain” and mellow stuffs that I don’t fucking
understand) When she’s sad she prefers
going out and drive somewhere, she even asked me to go with her sometimes but sorry
not sorry I’m such a homey person :p
And she
also hates the fact that you guys don't talk as much as before eventhough you
accidentally meet her somewhere. You guys never have a conversation. And that makes her sad. Because she doesn't know what
you're feelin, do you hate her or not, are you still wishin her to be your friend or
not (well she DOES want to be your friend, I told ya) Maybe if you two
just have a relation like normal people do, these things won't be happening and
she won't be here writing this letter at 11.15 PM. (And I won’t be here to tell
you the story too)
She’s
sorry if she didn't greet you first when you two met. I knew that that she
tried but somehow it couldn't come out from her mouth (I was at that place
too). Well you didn't greet her too sooo okay then I think you both have sins.
She tried to talk to you but she’s at your back. And so I
notice the feels that changing when she came near you, suddenly you're so quiet
and things felt awkward. She noticed that, and maybe she decided not to make
things any worse.
And she
said sorry if she doesn't return things you gave to her, she swears she doesn't
have any intention to eagerly took them away, she tried to turn them back, she
tried to ask you if you may return them. She says she doesn’t remember exactly
when but she remembers it’s the first time you guys chat after you split up…remember?
No? Okay... but she failed.
She’s just afraid you’ll think of her as such an ungrateful person for refusing
things you have given after you’re done -- “Say me I'm overthinking but I'm a
much-thinker person cuz I just don't want to hurt anyone, I swear.”—she
interrupts again.
But she keeps them all. And if
you want to know where are those things now, they’re still in the same places
like before. In her bed, on her wall, her desk -–now that I found myself
scanning the whole room, and I do remember which ones are from you because she
always told me if she’s got something from you, she said they’re so precious
she will keep them forever, they’re her favorite she can hug them all asleep
every night. And I remember those stuffed animals you gave her on her birthday, we were planning a surprise party for her-- they're still in her room
and she says she’s ok with that. Any or if there isn't any of your things
there, she will still remember you. And I think it's right. It's not about how you get rid of them all, it's about how you forget all the pain or hatred when you're lookin at them. She still uses some of them. Her mom likes
the one that she hangs on the wall (try to guess what is it) and she doesn’t
care about things that she gave to you, she said. But I think it's better to
know that you still keep them rather than throw them away.
She’s
okay at first even if she remembers you a lot. But there was one time that
she’s so down and she needs you a lot. She flashbacks to the times like this
before, she said she used to have you, she used to tell you all the things and suddenly everything feels easier.
I
remember that these times she chatted me A LOT. It annoys me sometimes but okay
then… but she ALWAYS chatted me all the time just to say something like “hey
I’m here” "i'm at x place now" “I’m going to this place” “have you eat diner” "the scenery looks so beautiful, if only you're here with me..." Even if it’s late at night and I’m like COULD YOU PLEASE STOP IT I’M NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND OR LESBIAN PARTNER but it’s okay…, and thank God she has an insomniac friend like me. (well I’m not an
insomniac I’m just having an affair with a fantastic guy called Internet)
This is
so out of her character. I knew her since we were a kid and she used to be such
a happy person—and a bit freak yeah— sometimes I don’t know how to deal with
it.
And as
the time goes on, she discovered things that she didn't know before, yea it's
about you. Her feelin mixed up. Guess I don't have to mention what was
that,the point is she was so fucking disappointed. But then she thinks she has no right to be dissapointed, it's your decision anyway, but then she's in a mess, later she's okay, and then she's sad again.... ALWAYS been like that. But that's okay. It's a long
time ago and she’s okay now.
“Oh, and
I have to admit, that was the loneliest time all the year, no kidding! Hahaha”
–she interrupts again—“And it was a rainy season so now I understand what people said about rain; it falls down to
the earth just to bring memories back into your mind. Do you get that? You
haven't felt this if you don't.”
“ But
thank God I still have my bestfriends who always be there, replies my chat or
text messages when I couldn't sleep because of things even if it's late at
night. Thanks guys.” She said.
She was
so lonely inside. She’s happy with her life but I can see her empty smile,
filled with an empty joy.
“I
thought I'm gonna face just an ordinary life ahead.” She added.
“Until
the day I met him.”
***
Hey hello
holla this is me the girl my friend has been talking about. I decided to tell
this part myself because my friend is kind of tired and she wants to go to
sleep.
People
say that he’s gorgeous enough. Blah, the thing is I didn't recognize him
before, although we—intended or unintended, conscious or unconsciously—always doing
the same thing together in the same place. I never looked at him. Dunno if he
rarely shows up or it's me who never cared bout him. Because I had you before,
and at that time I was never looked up to another guys, I swear I never cared!
Because I respect you and having you was just enough for me. How 'bout you?
So when
my cliques were gossiping bout a handsome guy in their class or cool seniors
that just walked in front of us I was just like "huh? Is he really that
cool, where's the cool part?" Because what I think is only you. I don't
care if they're more handsome than you, smarter or else, yes they are. But I
knew that I already have you and that's enough.
Back into
the topic, let me repeat this: so I was never cared about him, I rarely see him
although we’re actually so close maybe, people say he's cool but I didn't get
it until......
Until
that day we sat together at a place.
His
friends asked me some things and he seemed like interested. And there I saw
him, and wow.
It was
the first time I really look up to him, and I realized that he's just,
gorgeous.
Time
flies and it makes me want to know more bout him. First time we chat, it's not
really a thing but I can't stop smiling. We also get closer than before.
We're not
a really close friend, but we still laugh at the same jokes. He laughs at me, I
laugh at him, listen to the same songs.... I feel a bit happy when he knows
unpopular songs that I like, it's like "wow you know that too!" Or
when we sing the same song by chance.
If I may put a
quote from twilight; Before him, my life was a moonless night.Very dark,
but there were stars. Points of light and reasons. Suddenly he shot across my
life like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was beauty, there
was brilliancy.
I thought
he will be the one. He's gorgeous, he's kind. Sometimes annoying. He's so lazy
he won't do a thing except he wants to do it. But he seems enjoying his life to
the fullest. Sometimes he hates his life like he has the most badass life ever,
but still, he's cursing his own life in a funny way. And I like funny guys--just
like you-- and He's not really a bad boy I think.
I used to
dream of only you, now I don't do that.
Have you
watched Mission Impossible 4? I'm sure you can relate this to a scene in that
movie; I wish i'm wearing softlenses which can take pics of what you're seein
just by blinking 2 times. The point is, I wished I could capture every moment I
saw him, from the very best angle, with my own eyes. They would be the most
beautiful candids ever.
***
Time goes
and day by day I feel happier. I don't feel sad because of you anymore.
Sometimes I am but no, ain't got no time for that; I keep sayin those words in
my mind. I get used to my new life, it starts to be fun so I don't have to look
back and compare the present to the happy times of my past that was very full
of you. Finally I found another happiness here. I learnt to appreciate every
day of my life, and seize it, live it to the fullest. And I'm succeed. Thanks
God. Thanks. Thanks friends :)
And
thanks to him who always make my days just by his existence around. But later I realized that I DO NOT love him, like him or whatever it is. Because I
knew I never really felt anything to him, no chemistry or anything. He's just
too perfect and I don't wanna fall into perfection which will make you
"fall" --literally. I knew for the first time that he loves someone
and I'm okay with that. It means I don't have a special feelings for him. I'm
just happy to see him and befriend with him, he's a good friend. And I can’t
say I’m over you because of him, it’s a matter of time and surroundings that helped me
out. But thanks anyway, 'him'!
And for
you.
This whole
thing is for you. I just want to tell what I can't, or haven't tell in real life. I
just want to say thanks and sorry if I ever did wrong. Well I DID. If I didn't, you won't be walked away til now cuz I knew everybody has reasons. If you feel that you did
something wrong to me, well I think that's okay, I'm already cool with that. I
knew you have reasons—although I don’t know what are those but I understand
that you do, I respect that—No I’m not
cool at first :p but okay, that was a long time ago. If you need me well
you know where I am. We're friends aren't we?
And I
hope you'll grow up and realize that there's a future ahead, so don't waste
your time now and go work hard play hard!
And if
you got someone new (maybe you already
got one) please don't leave her. Love her to the fullest. Cuz loving you is
different, it's not easy to love you at first but that just happened anyway and
that's why it's also not easy to let you go
***
It’s 6.30
am in the morning and oh Hi, this is me the girl’s best friend. I ended up fell
asleep in her home and I woke up earlier. She’s still asleep and suddenly I
have an intention to read her whole journal while she’s asleep…. Oh but no I
think there would be so many mellow and irrelevant quotes I don’t fucking understand
so… yeah. Her face looks calmer and lighter, maybe after she lets it all out
yesterday. Oh, what did she say when I’m asleep?
***
P.S. If
YOU or ANYONE of you read this… short story? Or more of a letter? Would you like to pretend like you've never read this? If you know what I mean :)
A U T H O R ’ S N O T E
This is a work of fiction. Still given an infinite number
of possible worlds, it must be true on one of them. And if a story set in an
infinite number of possible universes is true in one of them, then it must be
true in all of them. So maybe it’s not as fictional as we think.
-Neil Gaiman
